This is Me!

So, I had a little aha moment today while working on my website. I’m not sure if this is profound, mildly interesting, or just another example of me overthinking something that should have taken 20 minutes, but here we are.

From the beginning, I knew I wanted my image to be cartoon art. I’m not entirely sure why. At first, I told myself it just felt “right for the brand,” which sounded very thoughtful and intentional. Okay, let’s be honest. Putting my actual face out there felt a little terrifying.

But I also wanted the image to look at least a little like me. Because if I was going to put all my thoughts, opinions, questionable decisions, and random life observations out into the world, having some completely random cartoon stranger take credit for them just felt weird.

So I started creating her. Without even realizing what I was doing, I hid her. Every version showed the back of her head. She was always gazing thoughtfully into the distance, looking peaceful and reflective, probably contemplating the meaning of life while holding a cute water bottle. Very deep. Very mysterious. Also very convenient because you couldn’t see her face.

I’ve been tweaking this image forever. Change the hair. Make it shorter. Make her a little heavier. Fix the glasses. Lose the chair. Change the cactus. Put the cactus back. Take the cactus away again. Soften the colors. More cartoonish. Less cartoonish. Apparently, I have become the most demanding client I’ve ever worked with.

Then today, while I was writing about how quick I am to judge other people, something occurred to me. Maybe there was a reason I kept making sure the woman in my pictures was looking away. I thought I was worried about other people judging me, but maybe I was the one doing the judging. I was so focused on making sure nobody saw the things I didn't like about myself that I hadn't stopped to consider whether anyone else would even notice them. Here I was, still picking myself apart, only this time I was doing it to a cartoon.

The irony wasn't lost on me. I'd just spent all this time writing about giving other people a little more grace, and apparently, I hadn't thought to extend any of that grace to myself. Maybe that's where I need the most practice. Because if I'm going to spend this next chapter of my life being more comfortable with who I am, I probably need to stop treating myself like someone who needs constant improvement.

It wasn’t only about how I looked though. It was about being seen. If I put my face with these words, then people who know me might actually realize I wrote them. They might know these are my thoughts, my insecurities, my opinions, my weird little observations and, God forbid, my feelings.

I actually considered blocking people I know on social media so only strangers could read this. Because I guess I am completely comfortable being vulnerable as long as nobody I have ever met knows about it.

Then I had to laugh at myself. How hypocritical can I get? Here I am creating a blog talking about finding myself and not caring so much what people think, while simultaneously whispering, “But could we maybe do all of that anonymously?”

So I turned that cartoon woman right around, face first, and kept tweaking her to look more and more like me. Which is slightly terrifying, but quite possibly the whole point.

When I finally reached the point where I couldn’t tweak one more thing without completely losing my mind, I had to remind myself: She. Is. A. Cartoon and lets be honest, if my cartoon can't look better than me, what's even the point? She didn't have to look exactly like me. She just had to feel like me.

The hair, the glasses, the bracelets, the water bottle permanently attached to my hand. The fact that she’s 60 and still trying to figure things out. This is me.

Of course, as soon as I typed This is me, the song from The Greatest Showman started playing in my head. Not just a little background music, either. The full, dramatic, belt-it-out version. Because, even my smallest personal revelations come with a full musical production.

Maybe I've been overthinking this whole idea of putting myself out there. I do have a talent for making things far more complicated than they need to be. After all, I started this because I wanted to share my stories, have a little fun, and maybe connect with people who are figuring things out right along with me. Somehow, I managed to turn choosing a cartoon character into a full-blown philosophical debate.

So, we're going with the slightly skinnier, airbrushed cartoon woman. She's got fewer wrinkles, perkier boobs, and a head of thick, gorgeous hair that apparently comes with a standing appointment at a really good salon.I'm happy for her. Besides, she was never supposed to be an exact replica of me. She's just a fun way to put a face to the stories. Because in the end, it's not really about what I look like. It's about finding the courage to put my own words out into the world and claim them as mine.

Yep. This is mine. These are my thoughts. This is me.

So, I stopped tweaking her. Okay, I mostly stopped tweaking her. Let’s not get carried away.

Plot twist: I thought I was trying to get the picture right. Turns out, I was trying to get comfortable being seen.